Death Upon Me, part 1

Introduction

for

Death Upon Me

 

[WARNING]  It is important to read this introduction COMPLETELY before reading the main article.  In the main article, there are too many disclaimers, excuses, justifications, denials, interpretations, exaggerations and other possible representations and misrepresentations.  It depends on the writer’s mood and feeling at the time when certain paragraph/event was written.  Without understanding the writing environment/mood, it will give the readers the mislead impressions in so many different ways.  Now, please read on.

            It is quite common to have an introduction for books with multiple chapters.  The idea is to give the readers a brief preview of the contents of the book.  It also gives a linkage among the chapters.  But it is seldom or even redundant to give an introduction while the manuscript has only one single article.  But this time is different; it is written for a completely different purpose.

            This article, same as the title, appears indicating how depressed the writer is.  I do not deny that.  In fact, there are a total of twenty examples showing in various ways when my feeling was down, most of the times, in the evenings.

            I am not saying that this is an article to make you laugh.  On the contrary, it was written when the writer was in a low mood.  What I am saying is that regardless how depressed I feel, it is not my character to even think to end my own life.  Instead, I will, taking a deep breath, find my own way to get out of it to cheer myself up, even though it may not be completely getting out of it.  For sure I will find a way to accommodate it to get the best way, no matter how little, out of it. This article may not be sufficient to bring a big laugh, but it definitely to restore a little smile to have an acceptable survival.

            So, cheer up, read on.

            The examples quoted consist of three categories:  Mind (psychological), Medical (medicine side effects) and Event (actual occurred events).  Depending upon the environment of each occurrence, disclaimers are noted as clarifications.  Excuses are used as I avoid the justifiable responsibilities or in some cases I am in denial as we all might do it sometime.   But regardless of each situation, the writer may be depressed and despaired, but the readers should accept the fact that he will fight his way out of it even it may a long struggle journey.

            As a Chinese, we all accept that the life journey consisting of all five stages, Live, Old, Illness, Death and Suffering [生,老,病,死,苦].  Some are cheerful and some are depressed, but none are avoidable.  We all learn to accept them and make the best out of them.

            So prepare yourself before start reading the article.

Death upon Me

[Why am I still here?]

[Am I crying for help?]

   

           Whoever read the title, the first impression was that the writer had to be a depressed, lonely, and pessimistic person.  Some might jump to conclusion that this was a suicide note.

            It is none of those – not even close.  In my own mind, I know that I am definitely not a pessimistic person.  With what I have been doing all my life, with the fighting spirit I have had towards any problems for the last eighty years, I feel that I have never been the give-up type.  One who fights and never thinks of quitting is not a pessimistic person.  That is what I am; at least that is what I think I am!

            I have a slogan taped next to my computer.  “Thinking always of trying to do more brings a state of mind in which nothing seems impossible.”  This is what I want to be, and, luckily I feel that I have been doing that.

            I am over eighty years old now.  I love this slogan very much.  I feel that it fits into my character perfectly.  During those years, so many impossible tasks occurred in my life, and I had never thought that they were impossible.  I had never backed off, not even one single time, and, surprisingly I had achieved nearly all of them.  They might not be perfectly executed, but the results were never disappointing.  There never had been a down moment all along.

            But, recently, I thought about death.

            I never thought of death when I wrote the first edition of my autobiography.  I was barely eighty at that time.  I felt as energetic as when I was at my sixties or even younger.  At the same time, I understood that the feeling was just a mirage.  I wrote “but I had to accept the fact that regardless how well I felt, anything might pop up unexpectedly at my age.  In the old Chinese saying, ‘life reaches seventy was rare’ [人生七拾古來稀], and now I was ten years beyond that.  Though the advanced medical technology and knowhow helped, eighty was still eighty, and I could not deny that.”  Still when I wrote that, my mind still believed that “feeling young” should and would last forever.

            When I was in high school, I was in a small group of about twenty classmates.  We stayed together frequently.  Some or all of us constantly were together either going picnic, to movie theatres, coffee shops, study, or just be together in one of the classmates’ home to chat.  In my generation, most of us were shy of having the opposite sex relationship.  I was one of the very few had my committed girl friend.  That made me different than others.  On top of it, I was always the lightning rod when we were together.  I loved to tell jokes.  I felt the satisfaction when I managed to make others laugh.  Additionally my grade points were in the top ten percentile.  With all of these they had accepted me as the unofficial leader of the group.

            During the high school years, one of my favorite subjects was composition class [作文章].  Most classmates loved my writings especially those in my little group.  They borrowed or made copies of the manuscripts, and circulated among themselves, passed over to their friends in other high schools and even to their parents and uncles at homes.  The feedback was not what I anticipated.  They commented that my writings were good but they were too sad and too pessimistic. They were surprised to find out that the writer was the one so relaxing and constantly making people laugh in parties.

            I never noticed that myself.  When I wrote, inspiration came automatically.  That was how it came out of me when I picked up my pen.  I disagreed with their comments.  I tried to justify by saying that the writing did not reflect my true character.  I defended my writing to say that that was the technique I used.  I said “sweet, you eat and forget; bitter, you eat and remember.”  Now years and years later, I began to wonder if the statement was true.  Were those really my writing techniques or if they in fact reflected my true character without knowing it.

            Before I turned eighty, the word “old” never entered my mind.  I felt I was as young when I was seventy nine as when I was thirty.  My life had not been smooth all along.  Almost all my life, I had been struggling to jump over one obstacle after another.  Though by common rules that life was never supposed to be perfect regardless how lucky you were, I still maintained more satisfactions than disappointments during the last eighty years. 

To name a few,

·       How I managed to get to college while my father declined to support my dreams because of his financial difficulties?

·       How I managed to get out of the mess when I was planted illegal drugs in my luggage before I even stepped into United States?

·       How I managed to fight it off when I was caught by the Immigration and Neutralization Department when I illegally worked without working permits?

·       How I managed taking the maximum numbers of courses allowed for foreign students while working almost full time to support myself financially and still recieved my degree on time in a top ten college in United States?

·       How I conquered the English language while I was a graduate in a Chinese high school; and how I managed to enter and graduate in a top ten college with practically no money and with the serious language handicap?

After college graduation, life had not been smooth either.  I was stabbed in the back due to power struggles at work even though I had good work performance; and managed to clear my name and had my revenge ten years after that.  In personal life, I survived my failed marriage.  During my career, I survived so many unexpected problems and managed staying on top.  I eventually had a very satisfactory career and an enjoyable retirement.

After retirement, I learned to play piano on my own without teacher while I had never touched piano keyboard before, and learned and had decent paintings using different media - charcoal, water color, pastel and Chinese brush while I could not even draw a decent simple sketch to start with.  Even though at the beginning I felt that I was trying the impossible, and, surprisingly, the final outcome turned out to be more than acceptable and satisfactory in my own standard. To me, the most satisfactory moment was NOT that I managed to achieve them, but to watch others’ expression and their surprised faces because they had concluded before I started that I could never be able to get it done.

So life had been good.  I did not feel that during these eighty years that I had had any down or pessimistic moments.  I had been feeling that life was going on merrily that I never thought that there would be an end.  In my mind, even when I was eighty years old, life could and should go on forever – the same thinking I had when I was thirty years old.  All along I did not feel that there were such words as “quitting” or “impossible” in my dictionary, and definitely not the words “end” and “death”.

But now, I thought about death not just occasionally but constantly.

You could call them coincidence or you could call them part of life.  When I updated my autobiography to second edition which included my life from eighty to eighty two years old; I could not believe that I had deteriorated physically so much during those two short years.  It seemed that as soon as I turned eighty, I walked passing the imaginary line that stepped into the disappointed twilight zone.  Though I had accepted the fact that we were all getting worse physically due to normal aging, I still had full of hope that I would beat the odds and maintain a decent shape.

Now another year later, just a short year when I reached eighty three, I start thinking about death seriously.

Funny that even though I thought about death I was not scared of it.  In my autobiography, I said that “if I would die, would I miss life? I would!  Would I miss my kids?  I would!  Would I miss the fun of living?  I would!”  Even though now when the word “death” popped into my mind, the above statements still held true.  But then again I would not feel sad, disappointed and heart broken when I thought about the moment of checking out; I would just think about relief and comfort that all the problems would no longer exist.

            I read an article in Washington Post about “Elders and Suicide”.  The article said that there were more and more elders committed suicide for various reasons, such as terminal disease, deteriorating due to aging, intolerable chronic pain, lost of independency, and, of course, depression and loneliness.  Even though I am having some of those on my list now, I still am not the suicide type.  That is why at the beginning of this article, I insist that I am an optimistic person.

            But however, the word “death” I have never thought of during the first eighty three years appears on my mind constantly.

            Probably all of these are part of life.  What the Chinese proverb said that “life reached seventy is rare” is no longer valid.  Due to the advanced medical achievement, the average life expectancy has reached seventy eight and a half.  Still reaching eighty does not come naturally.  Most of my old friends and high school classmates are at my age bracket, and during the last five years, we had lost them one by one.

            Also frequently when reading newspaper, my favorite movie stars, famous politicians and notable persons passed away due to illness or in natural causes and most of them were younger than I was.  Not because of superstition when I read newspapers, I frequently skipped the sections of obituary.  If I decided to read it occasionally I could see most of them had not reached eighty.

            I could not help to think that as I am older than most of them, even though that it does not mean that I believe I am closer to join them.

            Still the word “death” could not escape my mind.

            As what I mentioned in my autobiography, after over thirty five years of working until I retired and with the saving and wise investment, I managed to have a comfortable saving.  I could afford to spend on anything reasonable, vacations a couple times a year before retirement and more after that.  Financially I was stable.  The retirement life was pleasant with more than sufficient hobbies to keep my life entertained.  With enough friends and relatives who respected me and were friendly to me and the children were grown and behaved themselves with decent jobs.  My remarriage brought me comfort and happiness and I had confidence that it would last.  What else should I ask for?

            I was envied by some that my life was close to ideal.  But somehow, I knew that I was far, far from that.  I did not have the satisfaction that I was dreaming about.  I felt depressed constantly, but if other asked me what I was depressed about, I could not find a satisfactory answer.

            Then, another three years has gone by, the feeling is still true.  I still have the satisfaction with all I have done.  However, another part was also true – I feel depressed constantly.  After three years, not only it has not been better; it gets worse.  Recently, I feel depressed more frequently, especially in the evening.  Sometime it gets so bad that I have lost interests to do any hobbies used to keep me entertained. 

            When one is older, there are so many ways that can change one’s life completely.  Dying from old age and natural cause is just one of the very few.  Like what I said earlier, death does not scare me.  I have said that over and over again, “when tragedy strikes the worst scenario is not death; the worst scenario is not dying”.  What I meant is that if tragedy happens, dying is a complete relief.  The worst situation is one is disable and staying alive but losing the independency.  For the rest of life, and who knows how long it may prolong, he needs to depend on others in order to survive.  As the old Chinese saying, “when one manages to reach the state without depending on others, he will feel superior and has the utmost satisfaction by being completely independent”  [人到無求品自高].  Death does not depress me, but losing the independency does, badly.

            Then I cannot help to think about how I may end up.  Will I die of aging, go quietly in my sleep?  Will I have heart attacks since I had three heart procedures twenty five years ago?  Will I end up having to depend on others for the rest of my life?  Will I slip fall down the stairs even though I have been extremely careful?  Will it happen while they had advised me to move to the single level house rather than the three story town house?  Will I be diagnosed some terminal diseases unexpectedly. 

            Definitely that I will not lose sleep to think about it.  Like what I said, it is more curiosity rather than if I care.

            So much for that.

            More important in my mind, what is the cause of the depression?

            I tried to figure out the causes and justification.  Like what I said in the autobiography, there were no reasons that I did not get the satisfaction in my life.  Even when I watched my friends’ life comparing with mine, most of it, I would not trade mine for theirs.  However the depression, or rather the low mood, was still there.  Recently life has been feeling worse, no doubt about it.  I am not saying that I may end up like what the newspaper said, elders having the tendency to take their own life.  I am not the suicide type, and I would not even think to go towards that directions.

            Is it really true that I cannot identify the causes?  In fact, it is the other way.  I can name a large number of possibilities, however, the problem is that I cannot pin point the one that fulfill my satisfaction naming the correct one.

            With all the possible causes, I can categorize them into several genres.  The depression could be the side effects of the medications I am taking.  It can be affected due to the unfortunate events currently happened to friends or relatives.  My mind may have been affected due to the observation of surrounding happening.  Last, but not least, depression for unknown reasons.

            So pick one, pick two, pick all or do not pick any at all.

            Hope you may get something out of it.

 

            [MEDICATION] Slowed Heart Beat

            I have been taking medication over fifty years to control my high blood pressure.  The way it works was that the medication slows the heart beats which in turn lower the blood pressures.  I found that out by surprise. 

            After the doctor prescribed my very first high blood pressure medication, the problems were controlled. The checkup two weeks after taking the medication confirmed that the blood pressures were back to normal.  I just happened to mention to the doctor that I was feeling very low in the evenings.  It never crossed my mind that it was the side effect of the new medication.

            “I guess I have prescribed too heavy doses.”  He laughed.  Then he went on to explain to me how the medication worked.  It slowed down the heart beats causing the blood pressures lower, and it ended up resulting the lower mood - depression.

            If I have to find something to blame, I would say that medication causing my depression.  That may explain why my depression has been getting worse in the evenings.  But I know that I am picking an excuse to justify myself.  Even I try to twist the facts; the truth is not as simple as that.  How can I justify that after thirty, forty years without the side effect and suddenly it pops up only the last few months.

 

            [MEDICATION] Pain Killer Drugs

            If I decide to use medicine as excuses or justifications, I can easily find another one to blame.  I recently started taking pain killer to ease the nerve pain.  When reading the drug sheet from the pharmacy when prescribing the medication, it definitely may give me a scare.

            The possible side effects for this pain killer are:

            Thought about suicide or dying; attempting commit suicide; depression; anxiety; feeling agitated; panic attacks; insomnia; irritability; angry or violent; unusual change of mood.

            Scary?  Although it also emphasizes that the chance of occurrence is 1 in 500.  That means that chance is only 0.2%.  However if somebody has the chance of winning a lotto, even 1 in 500, regardless how slim the chances are, it remains possible.

            Am I possibly the lucky one or the unlucky one?

            Regardless, I know that it is just a way that I am trying to hide my true feeling.  I guess that it is just the personal preference to rather blame the medication than accept the fact that I am getting older.

 

[EVENT] Spine Disc Bulging

Talking about something unexpected may happen when least expected, my spine problem falls into this category.

Year and half ago, one day, for no reasons at all, I felt the right leg calf area in pain.  It was not caused by any accident.  I did not fall off the stair; I did not twist my leg or back accidentally and I did not try to lift something too heavy and threw my back; it just happened without reasons and without warning.  It was not that bad to start with, but bad enough that I had to consult my personal physician.

First he suspected that I might be lack of magnesium.  After taking magnesium tablets for over two weeks with no improvement, then he thought of another possibility, the side effects of Lipitor, the cholesterol control medication I was taking.  After stopping Lipitor for three weeks with no improvement, he decided to do something more conclusive.  Since all of the above were his educational guesses as a trained medical personnel, he finally sent me to have a MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) examination to find out the cause the proper way.

From the examination image finding, he concluded that it was due to the bulging of the spine disc which pressured the nerve and sent the pain to one of the legs.  Since taking medication would not solve the problem, he sent me to the physical therapist.

I did not believe in physical therapy was the solution. I questioned my personal physician,

“If it is bulging, should we use medication, such as antibiotic to cure the swelling?”  I asked.  “How can physical therapy, which is more mechanical than medical, cure the bulging?”

  He really had no good answer enough to satisfy me.  Since other than surgery (which I declined due my age) there were only a few possible solutions, so I went along to start my physical therapy.

Unfortunately, the physical therapists the doctor recommended did not understand spine disc bulging.  He declined to review my MRI report which gave me the impression that he did not understand the impact between spine bulging and nerve pain.  He just went by the book to do whatever techniques the instruction booklet showed.  Other than spent money and time to go to the workshop, I decided to learn enough (all they taught) and did the physical therapy sessions at home.

Fifteen months gone by.  The home sessions helped to manage and minimize the pain, but it did not cure the problem.  I had a few other methods to manage pain if I stayed home, but going shopping was entirely different scenario.  It generally induced the leg pain after only a short walk to unbearable situation.  I could live as a retired eighty three old man, minimize the walking, and I could be living happily ever after.  However I had to accept the fact to reduce the travelling, my most favorite hobby, to very, very minimum.

Only a couple years ago, I was feeling so young.  I could take any trip with long walking on excursion tours without feeling tired.  Before the leg pain started, I was once asked by a friend how I looked and acted so young while I was close to eighty.  I told him my five ingredients contributed to my “young looking” – talked loudly, walked with big steps, kept the eyes widely opened, sat straight, and, last, but not least, (I was joking), married a young wife.  We all got a laugh out of that.

But now, one of the five major ingredients was gone – I could not walk big steps anymore.  The “young looking” was gone, and so was the “feeling young” gone also.  I could not help to feel old, as old as any eighty three year old man would be.  So this change not only affected me physically, also psychologically.

The pain actually was not that bad, but bad enough to cause frustration especially when I was almost sure that this was not just a temporary disturbance but staying with me for the rest of my life, no matter how short or how long it would be.

Since because of my age, I declined the spine surgery (major surgery) and even injection of cortisone (too painful and too scary).  So there would be very few other ways remaining I could try.  Other than trying acupuncture (I might eventually try that since it was not that invasive) and using mechanical device to stimulate the nerve (as recommended by my new physical medicine doctor).  Since a couple weeks ago, I finally purchased the device and started trying my new toy.  Even though it sounded so impressive by the doctor and the device salesman, I had not had too much confidence that it was the solution (too easy).

The life without pain would definitely be appealing.  But was it really that important?  Right now, even if I would not do any new treatment, the pain was tolerable.  All I needed was to convince myself to give up travelling; I could still have a peaceful and enjoyable life.  So even if I would go out to try all possibilities, spend substantial time and effort to reach the pain free state, how much would I gain?  Only a couple years?  Five years?  Ten years?  Is it really that important?

Where is my optimistic attitude?

 

            [EVENT] My Mom

My mom was in good health all along.  At her late eighties, she insisted and managed to take care of herself, cooking her own breakfast and lunches.  She kept her bedroom and her own bathroom clean without our help.  She was very proud of them.  She maintained the stove area clean as to convenient herself to cook and to show that she was capable to help.  Until one day, when she tried to dust the living room furniture to show that she was helpful, she fell down on the floor, and could not get back up.

            I found her on the floor when I visited her a couple hours later.  She was rushed to hospital.  The fall cracked her pelvic bone which healed days later.  But because of that she lost her mobility and was unable to walk again.  She ended up in the rehab for another two years in bed and passed away.  It all started with just one careless fall.

            I missed her.  When she was in rehab, since she did not enjoy the food there, I brought her her favorite dishes to the rehab.  I kept her company while she had her dinner every evening.  I had some satisfaction to bring her a little comfort.  Suddenly I lost her.  They comforted me to say that time would heal but it did not happen.  Every evening when I was alone I thought of mom.  It made me sad to know that we were so vulnerable when we were older.  Without the fall, she might last at least a number of years more. 

            It happened to her; it also would happen to anybody, like me, no matter how carefully I would be.

 

[This ends Part 1 or the three part mini-series.  I have not giving up, so don’t give up on me.  If you feel a little interest, continue to Part 2 of the same title.  Thanks. Xoxo]