My Last Stop
[How did I get
here?]
[How do I get
used to it?]
[How will it
make me to accept/enjoy it?]
[Have I made
the worst decision of my life?]
Or
[Is this the
best decision I have ever made?]
They are not exciting words and they
are not even desirable words; however, they are the reality that I have to learn
to accept, regardless how reluctantly it may make me.
For the last eighty plus years, I felt fulfilled that I
had been having an enjoyable life.
Though there were always ups and downs, however, no matter how down it
was, I yet managed to get over them, whether it was during the high school
years, the college years, the time in-between, the working years and even the
retirement years after that. Life had
been reasonably occupied with enjoyable hobbies to maintain it meaningful.
Not until a few years earlier when I
wrote the article “Death Upon Me”. It
was true that I had never thought about death until that time. Was I depressed? No! I
did not feel depressed even at the time when I was writing that article. However what I wrote was exactly how I envisioned. How could I explain what was in my mind? I could not.
Probably the only explanation was that I finally accepted the cruel
reality that everything had a beginning also had an end; always had a starting
moment and an unavoidable final moment.
During our life time, we all have gone through similar
stages. After finished schooling, we
landed our first job. Starting with
income to have a stable life then we save enough money to purchase our first
car, our first house and other first of everything to make life more pleasurable. As life goes on we improve our life by trading
in our first of everything for the second, and the third, as a way on to a
better life. When we finally reach our
retirement, we have a rent free house to shelter and cars without any more
payments. Then the social security kicks
in to feed the family, and other saving to spend to entertain ourselves.
Just over a year ago, I purchased a new Honda. Even for the two of us, we could get by with
one car. However, owning two cars gave
us the independency. Besides, after we
lost the second due to an accident, and the remaining car was 20 years old, so
it made sense to purchase a new car.
It was exciting to own a new “toy” as the other car
was the 20 years model. The improvement
during the last 20 years was unbelievable.
We used to complain how difficult to turn our heads to look back while
backing the car out of the garage, now we had the tiny screen inside the car to
take care that problem. The car even slowed
down itself when it was too close to the car in front. But the excitement suddenly died down when we
realized that this one was our new “toy” and it also was the very last car we
were going to own. As far as owning a
car is concerned, we suddenly understand that we had come to the “last stop”.
The “last stop”! The “stop”!
In my life, in my career, I had never thought about “stop”. I only recognized the beginning and how to
maintain the momentum to move to the next level. Maybe I had been too ambitious and too energetic,
I only thought how to plan the next step, how to make it better and had only
thought about that the next level of anything.
When the words “last stop” hit my mind, I had trouble accepting it.
How did it start? What made me think about the “last
stop”? Was it for real or was it just my
illusion? Was I reasonable or had I asked
for too much? Was it just me that I could
not accept the reality?
I finally moved from Maryland to
Seattle since two and a half months ago.
After spending a month in the air b&b and then moved into the
retirement community. The idea/wish of
moving west started ten years ago.
Regardless how active I was, I could not help to feel older. Especially when hearing the bad news from
time to time that some of my high school classmates passed away. We were almost the same age. It made sense for me to move closer to my
children. But moving was such a
time-consuming job, and since the health was holding up even though the thought
of being together with the children was so appealing, I kept delaying to put it
in action. Ten years had gone by so
fast, not until my daughter came to visit me recently and obviously they
worried not just my health was deteriorating; they worried about how and if
they could take care of me if something most drastic might occur.
Because of aging, it was “natural”
that my health would get worse. If I
would be in a retirement community, they would take care of my “needs” should
something undesirable happen. In a way,
it shifted the “worry” from their shoulders onto their medical team. Even though I did not believe anything would
happen soon, but that did not deny their worry when the bad news of friends and
classmates of the similar age kept coming in.
Even though I did not believe it would happen to me because I was
feeling so “healthy”, still it was selfish to conclude that they worried too
much.
After serious discussion among us, I
gave in. I never did disagree yet and I
also did say “excellent idea! Let’s do
it.” In a way, it made sense. I was 86 years old and had three heart procedures. Even though the procedures were almost thirty
years ago and I had passed ALL the nuclear stress tests to indicate there had been
no more heart problems. But we all knew
that as soon as some had the heart problems, it stayed with them for life and
there were so such things as completely cured.
So it was highly possible that someday, anytime, the heart problems came
back to haunt me. If it would happen, it
put the pressures not on me, but on all around me. But if I were in the retirement community,
the pressure would shift to the medical staff.
So it made sense to make a change even I felt how remote the chances
would be.
So the pros and cons kept
fluctuating in my mind and I had been having trouble making a definite decision. But I never thought that logically without
denying it could have interpreted as accepting it. Suddenly, the packing boxes were ordered and
delivered. And before I knew it, our
packing had started and even I was packing also. I felt a little fuzzy what had been going on
even though I was still in the state without truly knowing if this was what I
really wanted.
While working on my own packing, I
was still feeling that I was Just like sitting at the sideline and watching a
fast moving movie. The mover had been
arranged. The house was suddenly
sold. The “excess” furniture were
donated or given to the new house owner.
Looking around, I knew that I had no choice but following the flow since
it had gone too far down the stream that I had no way to return regardless how
much I wanted to do it.
Was I making the right move? I would not know. It had reached to the point that I could not
stop it. Could I at least slow it down? I doubted it.
It was a bad feeling when I understood that my options were gone. There was nothing I could do other than
accepting it especially when my mind was not clear enough to judge the merit.
It was just like in the television
series that I was in a new episode. Now I
had been in the retirement community almost two months. Was it a good move or was it a bad
decision? To tell the truth I still don’t
know. When friends dropped by to give me
the warm welcome to the new area, and when I opened the door, I automatically
said “welcome to my new home; welcome to my new life!” Simply speaking this was exactly how I felt. Not just the apartment was a new area different
from my old home where I had lived for the last thirty five years I felt that I
was in a new life starting from the first day I arrived here. Was it better? Was it worse?
Was it just different that I would melt into?
The area was spacious. The view looking outside the window was
pleasant with tree and flowers. I had moved
the furniture to give me comfortable arrangement to work on my computer, or to
do my other hobbies such as painting, stamp collecting or just sitting in the
easy chair to read relaxingly. The
retirement community furnished almost all the necessities such as housekeeping,
dinner cooked, coffee and snacks, cable television, etc. Almost whatever you named it, they had
included that in the whole package. Sounded
like heaven! It sounded like it fit
perfectly for a retiree. I could just
sit back, do nothing or anything and enjoy life.
Somehow after the time being here, I
just had not got used to this new life.
The accommodation was more than sufficient; it was the environment that
depressed me. In the community, at least
80 percent or more were in wheel chairs or walkers. When I walked around the facility, it gave me
a very uncomfortable feeling. Thinking
when I was back home in Maryland, we had friends getting together. All of them were healthy “looking”. The image of wheel chair or even a crane
never got into my mind. But now whenever
I walked around, it was difficult to find some walking freely on their
own. When I looked at them; they were
the same age as I was. Suddenly it gave
me the feeling that I would be or should be as one of them soon, very
soon. That was a very, very sad
feeling. As my friends tried to talk me
out of these unpleasant feeling, they said I should feel good since even though
I was the same age as they were I was still “healthy” enough to be different
from them. It was a very good logical
argument. But on the other hand, was I
kidding myself? We were all deteriorating due to aging. I was good today, what about tomorrow or the
day after? Suddenly I felt down again.
Had I done the right move? I could not argue that as we got older,
placing ourselves in the retirement community should be the logical move. This is not just putting myself in the living
quarter that in the event if something drastic happens that I need medical
help, it also gives comfort feeling for all the closest relatives around me. I should not be that selfish to just thinking
what the best in my mind was, I should consider all others around me.
So I did make the right move, even though this could
possibly be my last move or that I have reached my “last stop” of my life. Was it really bad to think that I had run out
of options that there would not be possibly any more moves for me? Is this really my “last stop”?
There are sufficient reasons to make me feel good that
I have make the right decision but I cannot help to wonder, is it so bad that I
have reached my last stop?!
God will know.
As the good old Chinese saying:
乎有有必有無
有聚必有散
乃理之常
It translates
as:
When you own
something, anything
There are always
chances that you may not have it in the future
When you have
chances to get together
Eventually you
will have to say good bye
That is the
logic of life
It says it all.
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