The Choice - The Decision

 

The Choice – The Decision

            Time flied regardless whether you had fun or otherwise.  Before I could count to four, it had been three full months since I moved into the retirement facility.  Three months had gone by; whether I had made the right choice was subject to discussion/argument.  At least I accomplished one important step; I had been on my way to get used to the new life.

           I always have a weak spot in my mind.  When I watch movies, television programs, or even commercials, several types of scenes I feel so unpleasant; I have to walk away and avoid watching them.  One is the bloody and torture scenes in Friday the Thirteen movies.  The other is the extreme amount of bloods in almost all the Steven King’s movies.  Another is those scenes showing the mentally retarded persons.  The last one is the view with excessive numbers of disabled persons in wheel chairs or walkers.  Not that I am against the disabled persons, on the contrary, I sympathize at them.  It is just the views are so unpleasant that I prefer not to watch them.  Whenever I run into these situations, I have to walk away until the scenes are over.  Even I know that when I am getting older and older, and especially I have heart problems thirty years ago when I was at the early fifties, so there is an excellent chance that I will end up in wheel chair or walker.  However, before I reach that stage, it is still unpleasant that I prefer avoiding them.  Whether I am in denial or poor judgment, it is subject to individual opinion

.           When first the suggestion of moving was raised, I had no objection because of downsizing.  Although the reasons of downsizing, in my opinion, were not sound.  To me, the downsizing of living space for most families was due to the reduction of family members.  After the children were married, or moved out of the house to the college dorm, the house used to be housed by, say, five persons reduced to two.  So it made sense to down size to a smaller accommodation.  For us, we were two thirty five years ago and we are also two today, reasons to downsize did not stand.  If we do not need a bigger house now, we did not need a bigger house then either.

            Even I did not agree that the downsizing was one of the major reasons of moving, I did not argue.  I had my own reasons that I looked forward to the move – I would be closer to my children.  Besides, smaller living space did not bother me.  All I needed was to make better use of them.  When I was in college, I used to live in a 6 feet by 10 feet room which included a single bed, a dresser, a desk and chair, a small closet, a wash basin and even a stove inside the room.  When I made use the available spaces, I lived happily and comfortably.  Besides, the apartment in the retirement home had two and a half bedrooms.  It was spacious for the two of us.  With better use of the space, I could be very comfortable and very content.

            One week after I moved in I rejected my new home immediately.  Like what I said earlier, the reduction of spaces was not the issue, it was the environment that made me so low and depressed.  I am not familiar with other retirement homes, and I should blame my own ignorance for the unexpected.  The retirement home we moved into was not a senior home I anticipated, but an improved version of rehab that my mom used to live after she lost her mobility.  After I moved into this retirement facility/rehab, though most of residents were still mobile, over eighty percent of them were in wheelchairs or walkers.  Remember I mentioned earlier that when I watched these scenes in movies, it bothered me so badly that I had to walk away from the scenes.  Now I am personally in the middle of them; somewhere that I could not run away from.

            Somehow, psychologically, I could not find way to ignore the environment.  I had nowhere to run away to.  The environment made me feel old, older than when I lived all by myself.  Then it got worse.  When I watched them closer, suddenly I realized that I was the same age or even older than some of them.  So logically it made me think that I should be the same as them, it not now, then probably tomorrow, next month or soon.

After a month or so, I cooled off.  Closer to my two children helped to raise my spirit.  Since even though I rejected the choice and decided that was the bad decision, I really did not have another option that made more sense and made those around me feel comfortable.  So I started to “modify” my life style to accept the unavoidable. 

The retirement home had numerous facilities to “entertain” the residents.  I started using their gym, running the treadmill as what I had been doing back home (I feel funny that I was still calling it home) before the move.  After a couple weeks, I had never run into another person using the treadmill or any other exercise equipment.  For the time I had been using the gym, I felt like it was my personal gym and it was maintained just to serve me.  Then suddenly I felt funny and sad to realize that, if most of them could not walk by themselves, how could they exercise?  Then I understood that the setting up of the gym was to show that they had all types of facilities available, it did not mean that they were set up because of the necessity for the residents.  So I benefited due to their commercial means.

To keep my life more occupied, I found a couple pianos in the meeting rooms.  To keep my mind busier, I started playing their pianos.  Again, for weeks, I had not seen a single person using the pianos.  It was the same for their computer room, the swimming pool that very seldom did I find any users.  This time, it did not surprise me at all. 

As a common rule, if you cannot beat them, join them.  And if I cannot get away from my new life, I have to learn how to accept and make the best out of it.  All my friends who cared about me gave me the same advice.  I should not let it depress me to see them on walkers even we were the same age.  Instead I should feel good that even I was as old as they were, I did not behave the same.  Like I said numerous times, age was just a number, how young and how old depended on how you felt.  Had I said it right?  Have I convinced myself?

After three months, I was feeling better.  The wheel chair and walker scenes did not bother me as much.  Besides, whenever I started feeling depressed, I could always go back to my own apartment, close the door, then I would feel peaceful in my own new world.

Now I started watching and evaluating all the residents.  There were more widows than couples.  For the couples, most of them had a “stronger” half (normally the wife) and the “weaker” half (the husband, mostly).  Obviously, between my wife and me, I was the weaker half.  Then I evaluated the weaker half of all the couples, physically I had not found one that capable to exercise or run a treadmill as what I had been doing.  Mentally, I was still doing numerous hobbies or work that required brainwork.  To name a few.  I was still doing the financial analysis for the investment.  I was building my internet blogs including programming in HTML, the internet language.  I was writing articles in English or Chinese.  I was still capable to resolve computer problems, including software and hardware.  I was still learning piano playing.  These were in addition to other hobbies such as stamp collecting, painting, reading and more.

Still it makes me start thinking, have I moved into the retirement facility too soon, like five year too soon?  Five years later, I probably would be the same conditions, both physical and mental, as most of them.  Then it makes sense that I would be joining the crowd, instead of feeling different. 

I had delayed moving for ten years.  This time, even though I only participated about twenty percent of packing, still it exhausted me.  If I will delay the move for another five years, I will be 91 by then.  I am not so sure I can move at all even if I will still be around.

So the choice is obvious.  Regardless how I feel, I cannot fight age.  So the decision is obvious the only one I have to make.

The chapter is closed.

[July 14, 2022]