The Power of Possession

The Power of Possession 

            I finally moved into the retirement facility near where my children lived.  The idea of moving closer to them was discussed at least ten years ago.  However, during this time, my life had been so entertaining, and I did not feel the necessity of immediate moving.  Ten years had gone by so fast and suddenly I realized that if I didn’t do it then, I would never been physically capacity to do it.  The reason of feeling the necessity of moving was not just “logical’, it settled the minds of those closer to me and cared about me.  Even though I did not feel the “absolute” necessity to move, I did it anyway.  I felt that if eventually I had to move, I should do it then to get it over with.

The topic of moving was discussed.  It was not easy to disrupt the retired life which I had been enjoying.  I let ten years slipped by without paying too much attention to it.  Ten years had gone by, and suddenly I did not feel I was as “young” as when I was 76, ten years ago.

            It had never occurred to me that even though the mind was young, physically, the health was deteriorating.  It was more obvious from the third person next to me.  In their mind, they could not help to worry that if I got to the point that I could not take care myself, it would put pressure on them if they might not be able to handle it.  So the topic of moving to a retirement facility popped up.  By moving, their medical staff would take care of me if needed.  It would release the pressure from their shoulders.  So regardless how I feel I might not need it, it becomes logical to make the move, not just for me, also for those around me.

            All along I felt that I had been the lucky one.  Not only I loved what I studied in college, I also enjoyed the last twenty five years of my career (the first ten years were rough due to office politics and power struggles).  I enjoyed my work so much that I constantly spent time in the office on Saturday mornings even without compensation.  So when I reached the retirement age, it was so difficult to just walk away.  I could not help to ask myself, “How can I give up the work I had been enjoying and also the money at the same time?”  However, everyone had to retire eventually.  I had to give me a chance to find out if I might enjoy life more (or less).

            After I retired, my life definitely changed.  All indicated that it was for the better.  First, the house had been paid for, and I had a rent-free house to shelter.  The saving during the working years with sound investment made me financially worry-free.  With the saving and the social security, I could afford travelling and purchasing anything reasonable.  In my spared time, I could be as busy as I wanted to be.  I also could be relaxing, reading books, watching television or doing nothing at all if I should select to.

            With all the free time and since I was always eager to learn, so as soon as I retired, I enrolled to the community junior college nearby and taking the classes I always wanted to take and had not had the time to do it. 

To name a few:

I always admire others who could paint while I never had the talent to even prepare a simple sketch.  So I enrolled a class entitled “Anybody Can Draw” to learn the very fundamentals of sketching.  After I felt that I had managed that, I enrolled the courses including pencil and charcoal drawing, then water color, pastel and Chinese brush painting.  I was so content that, from not even managing simple sketches, I created the paintings from different media and have the final products that I was not reluctant to show others.

            I loved computing.  I enrolled courses teaching HTML, the programming language for Internet.  Then I created and published my own websites and blogs.  Since I loved to write, I started writing articles in English and Chinese and published them in my own websites and blogs.  I did that just for my own satisfaction.  It did not bother me if there might not be any readers.  I was so content just to see my own articles showing in Internet.

At work, I did computer software and software development, but was ignorant on hardware.  So I enrolled another course to learn computer hardware structure, including taking a computer piece by piece apart and put them back together.

            The list was long.  I restarted my childhood hobby – stamp collecting.  Other than meeting new friends within the stamp collector circle, and with all the duplicate stamps, I suddenly became an amateur stamp dealer, trading and selling stamps.  Furthermore and with the admiration of watching others sitting on the piano benches, playing my favorite music, I started learning playing piano on my own.  Other criticized me my self-taught unconventional method would give me low ceiling for success.  Since I did not learn to play for others but for myself, low ceiling and not becoming famous pianist did not bother me at all, as long as I have my share of fun.

            Since I retired, I had been improving and enjoy the retirement life even more than I expected.  The sky was definitely brighter.  I was so content that I would enjoy the rest of life more and more.  So I had been on the right track towards the remaining a better life, regardless how short or how long it might be.  I was so satisfied that I had been running my life what life was supposed to be. 

Then came the move.

With all the satisfied approach towards a better life, however, there was one drawback; I could not be together or even closer to my two children.  With us separated by the continent and with the six hours flight time separating us, we were lucky if we could manage to visit each once or maximum twice a year.  Since they could not move because of their jobs, the only solution was for me to move from east to west coast.  So the move became inevitable.

So the move was on. 

            The move was so drastic.  After two months, I still had problem to adjust myself to the new environment and the new life.  First, I moved away from a house I had lived in for over thirty years, and from a three story townhouse to a smaller apartment.  Instead of having a rent-free house, now I had to pay a substantially amount of rent.  Even though financially I could afford that, and since I struggled financially from beginning and through college years, I could not help to wonder if the substantially spending was justified.

            Then the drastic change of the environment started affecting my mood.  Before the move, all the friends and relatives we were in contact every day, including young and old, were in “healthy” looking.  After the move when I was in the retirement community, at least 80 percent of the residents were either in wheel chairs or walkers.  Watching the majority of them in such health condition, I could not help to make myself feel “older”.   Then it hit me that I was not younger than they were.  I could not help to think that if that was the ways they were, even though I behaved younger and still exercising, walking treadmill every day, I should be the same as them.  If not today, would that be tomorrow, next week or next month?  I could not help to suddenly feeling older, psychologically.

            The living area was “spacious” even though it was not as spacious as my old house.  Still it was spacious enough for two of us to “enjoy” my new life.  It was an improvement that they served dinners so it saved my time of cooking to do whatever I wanted, even though the food was not as good as I hoped for.  Other than that, there were some pros such as having the gym room, the computer rooms and other similar facilities and it should give me a more relaxing life.

            With all the pros and cons, I was told that I would be better off if I could make myself to “get used to it”.  I fully understand that it would make my life better, more enjoyable, and pleased those around me if I would get used to the new environment and the new life.  But I could not help to feel sad that in lieu of having ways to solve the problems and had to step down to try to make myself to get used to the situation.  Is this really my only option?  Would this really be my only option?

            With all the doubts and questions in my mind, the move was “logical” but it did not give me the feeling that I was in the right path for the rest of my life.  Should I accept that life was never perfect?  I accepted that I might win some and I might lose some and the only solution was to “get used to it” and make the best out of it.  Or should I refuse to accept that was my only option and find a better solution to put my life back on the right track for the rest of my life? 

            What other options would I still have?

            If I would move to another retirement facility, and with better shopping, I might gain financially.  The environment would not change.  And with a lower cost spending, the chances were that the quality of services would be worse.  That meant that I would have more complaints and enjoy even less.  Since financially I could afford the current spending, was it wise to move even more downhill?

            If I dropped the idea of moving to another retirement house and renting or purchasing an independent apartment, it would improve the spending substantially.  Then I was back to the square one, it defected the initial purposes if my health would be deteriorating.  Did it worth the effort since financially I was now still affordable?

            Life was not reversible.  The house was sold and I could not get it back.  The move was made and I could not move back.  Furniture had been given away and I could not get them back.  Being together with the children since couple months here made my life brighter and I would not want to give it up at any costs.  The move was done with such effort that I knew I would never have the energy to do it another time.

           Then what was left?  As what I mentioned earlier, I was again back to the square one.  Regardless how much I did not want to admit it, this in fact was my only option left.  That also meant that my only option was to get used to it.

            Is it really that bad to accept what I was?  The last two months since I was here had gone by.  Though they were not sweet dreams but at least they were better than nightmares.  Besides I could feel my mood had been improving from two months ago.  I was probably in the right track to accept my new life easier.  At least with the mood change since   two months ago, it had been a good sign.

            I should follow my slogan:

            Don’t think back about yesterday, don’t think about tomorrow.  Just think about today, now, this minute.