The Choice - The Decision

 

The Choice – The Decision

            Time flied regardless whether you had fun or otherwise.  Before I could count to four, it had been three full months since I moved into the retirement facility.  Three months had gone by; whether I had made the right choice was subject to discussion/argument.  At least I accomplished one important step; I had been on my way to get used to the new life.

           I always have a weak spot in my mind.  When I watch movies, television programs, or even commercials, several types of scenes I feel so unpleasant; I have to walk away and avoid watching them.  One is the bloody and torture scenes in Friday the Thirteen movies.  The other is the extreme amount of bloods in almost all the Steven King’s movies.  Another is those scenes showing the mentally retarded persons.  The last one is the view with excessive numbers of disabled persons in wheel chairs or walkers.  Not that I am against the disabled persons, on the contrary, I sympathize at them.  It is just the views are so unpleasant that I prefer not to watch them.  Whenever I run into these situations, I have to walk away until the scenes are over.  Even I know that when I am getting older and older, and especially I have heart problems thirty years ago when I was at the early fifties, so there is an excellent chance that I will end up in wheel chair or walker.  However, before I reach that stage, it is still unpleasant that I prefer avoiding them.  Whether I am in denial or poor judgment, it is subject to individual opinion

.           When first the suggestion of moving was raised, I had no objection because of downsizing.  Although the reasons of downsizing, in my opinion, were not sound.  To me, the downsizing of living space for most families was due to the reduction of family members.  After the children were married, or moved out of the house to the college dorm, the house used to be housed by, say, five persons reduced to two.  So it made sense to down size to a smaller accommodation.  For us, we were two thirty five years ago and we are also two today, reasons to downsize did not stand.  If we do not need a bigger house now, we did not need a bigger house then either.

            Even I did not agree that the downsizing was one of the major reasons of moving, I did not argue.  I had my own reasons that I looked forward to the move – I would be closer to my children.  Besides, smaller living space did not bother me.  All I needed was to make better use of them.  When I was in college, I used to live in a 6 feet by 10 feet room which included a single bed, a dresser, a desk and chair, a small closet, a wash basin and even a stove inside the room.  When I made use the available spaces, I lived happily and comfortably.  Besides, the apartment in the retirement home had two and a half bedrooms.  It was spacious for the two of us.  With better use of the space, I could be very comfortable and very content.

            One week after I moved in I rejected my new home immediately.  Like what I said earlier, the reduction of spaces was not the issue, it was the environment that made me so low and depressed.  I am not familiar with other retirement homes, and I should blame my own ignorance for the unexpected.  The retirement home we moved into was not a senior home I anticipated, but an improved version of rehab that my mom used to live after she lost her mobility.  After I moved into this retirement facility/rehab, though most of residents were still mobile, over eighty percent of them were in wheelchairs or walkers.  Remember I mentioned earlier that when I watched these scenes in movies, it bothered me so badly that I had to walk away from the scenes.  Now I am personally in the middle of them; somewhere that I could not run away from.

            Somehow, psychologically, I could not find way to ignore the environment.  I had nowhere to run away to.  The environment made me feel old, older than when I lived all by myself.  Then it got worse.  When I watched them closer, suddenly I realized that I was the same age or even older than some of them.  So logically it made me think that I should be the same as them, it not now, then probably tomorrow, next month or soon.

After a month or so, I cooled off.  Closer to my two children helped to raise my spirit.  Since even though I rejected the choice and decided that was the bad decision, I really did not have another option that made more sense and made those around me feel comfortable.  So I started to “modify” my life style to accept the unavoidable. 

The retirement home had numerous facilities to “entertain” the residents.  I started using their gym, running the treadmill as what I had been doing back home (I feel funny that I was still calling it home) before the move.  After a couple weeks, I had never run into another person using the treadmill or any other exercise equipment.  For the time I had been using the gym, I felt like it was my personal gym and it was maintained just to serve me.  Then suddenly I felt funny and sad to realize that, if most of them could not walk by themselves, how could they exercise?  Then I understood that the setting up of the gym was to show that they had all types of facilities available, it did not mean that they were set up because of the necessity for the residents.  So I benefited due to their commercial means.

To keep my life more occupied, I found a couple pianos in the meeting rooms.  To keep my mind busier, I started playing their pianos.  Again, for weeks, I had not seen a single person using the pianos.  It was the same for their computer room, the swimming pool that very seldom did I find any users.  This time, it did not surprise me at all. 

As a common rule, if you cannot beat them, join them.  And if I cannot get away from my new life, I have to learn how to accept and make the best out of it.  All my friends who cared about me gave me the same advice.  I should not let it depress me to see them on walkers even we were the same age.  Instead I should feel good that even I was as old as they were, I did not behave the same.  Like I said numerous times, age was just a number, how young and how old depended on how you felt.  Had I said it right?  Have I convinced myself?

After three months, I was feeling better.  The wheel chair and walker scenes did not bother me as much.  Besides, whenever I started feeling depressed, I could always go back to my own apartment, close the door, then I would feel peaceful in my own new world.

Now I started watching and evaluating all the residents.  There were more widows than couples.  For the couples, most of them had a “stronger” half (normally the wife) and the “weaker” half (the husband, mostly).  Obviously, between my wife and me, I was the weaker half.  Then I evaluated the weaker half of all the couples, physically I had not found one that capable to exercise or run a treadmill as what I had been doing.  Mentally, I was still doing numerous hobbies or work that required brainwork.  To name a few.  I was still doing the financial analysis for the investment.  I was building my internet blogs including programming in HTML, the internet language.  I was writing articles in English or Chinese.  I was still capable to resolve computer problems, including software and hardware.  I was still learning piano playing.  These were in addition to other hobbies such as stamp collecting, painting, reading and more.

Still it makes me start thinking, have I moved into the retirement facility too soon, like five year too soon?  Five years later, I probably would be the same conditions, both physical and mental, as most of them.  Then it makes sense that I would be joining the crowd, instead of feeling different. 

I had delayed moving for ten years.  This time, even though I only participated about twenty percent of packing, still it exhausted me.  If I will delay the move for another five years, I will be 91 by then.  I am not so sure I can move at all even if I will still be around.

So the choice is obvious.  Regardless how I feel, I cannot fight age.  So the decision is obvious the only one I have to make.

The chapter is closed.

[July 14, 2022]

The Power of Possession

The Power of Possession 

            I finally moved into the retirement facility near where my children lived.  The idea of moving closer to them was discussed at least ten years ago.  However, during this time, my life had been so entertaining, and I did not feel the necessity of immediate moving.  Ten years had gone by so fast and suddenly I realized that if I didn’t do it then, I would never been physically capacity to do it.  The reason of feeling the necessity of moving was not just “logical’, it settled the minds of those closer to me and cared about me.  Even though I did not feel the “absolute” necessity to move, I did it anyway.  I felt that if eventually I had to move, I should do it then to get it over with.

The topic of moving was discussed.  It was not easy to disrupt the retired life which I had been enjoying.  I let ten years slipped by without paying too much attention to it.  Ten years had gone by, and suddenly I did not feel I was as “young” as when I was 76, ten years ago.

            It had never occurred to me that even though the mind was young, physically, the health was deteriorating.  It was more obvious from the third person next to me.  In their mind, they could not help to worry that if I got to the point that I could not take care myself, it would put pressure on them if they might not be able to handle it.  So the topic of moving to a retirement facility popped up.  By moving, their medical staff would take care of me if needed.  It would release the pressure from their shoulders.  So regardless how I feel I might not need it, it becomes logical to make the move, not just for me, also for those around me.

            All along I felt that I had been the lucky one.  Not only I loved what I studied in college, I also enjoyed the last twenty five years of my career (the first ten years were rough due to office politics and power struggles).  I enjoyed my work so much that I constantly spent time in the office on Saturday mornings even without compensation.  So when I reached the retirement age, it was so difficult to just walk away.  I could not help to ask myself, “How can I give up the work I had been enjoying and also the money at the same time?”  However, everyone had to retire eventually.  I had to give me a chance to find out if I might enjoy life more (or less).

            After I retired, my life definitely changed.  All indicated that it was for the better.  First, the house had been paid for, and I had a rent-free house to shelter.  The saving during the working years with sound investment made me financially worry-free.  With the saving and the social security, I could afford travelling and purchasing anything reasonable.  In my spared time, I could be as busy as I wanted to be.  I also could be relaxing, reading books, watching television or doing nothing at all if I should select to.

            With all the free time and since I was always eager to learn, so as soon as I retired, I enrolled to the community junior college nearby and taking the classes I always wanted to take and had not had the time to do it. 

To name a few:

I always admire others who could paint while I never had the talent to even prepare a simple sketch.  So I enrolled a class entitled “Anybody Can Draw” to learn the very fundamentals of sketching.  After I felt that I had managed that, I enrolled the courses including pencil and charcoal drawing, then water color, pastel and Chinese brush painting.  I was so content that, from not even managing simple sketches, I created the paintings from different media and have the final products that I was not reluctant to show others.

            I loved computing.  I enrolled courses teaching HTML, the programming language for Internet.  Then I created and published my own websites and blogs.  Since I loved to write, I started writing articles in English and Chinese and published them in my own websites and blogs.  I did that just for my own satisfaction.  It did not bother me if there might not be any readers.  I was so content just to see my own articles showing in Internet.

At work, I did computer software and software development, but was ignorant on hardware.  So I enrolled another course to learn computer hardware structure, including taking a computer piece by piece apart and put them back together.

            The list was long.  I restarted my childhood hobby – stamp collecting.  Other than meeting new friends within the stamp collector circle, and with all the duplicate stamps, I suddenly became an amateur stamp dealer, trading and selling stamps.  Furthermore and with the admiration of watching others sitting on the piano benches, playing my favorite music, I started learning playing piano on my own.  Other criticized me my self-taught unconventional method would give me low ceiling for success.  Since I did not learn to play for others but for myself, low ceiling and not becoming famous pianist did not bother me at all, as long as I have my share of fun.

            Since I retired, I had been improving and enjoy the retirement life even more than I expected.  The sky was definitely brighter.  I was so content that I would enjoy the rest of life more and more.  So I had been on the right track towards the remaining a better life, regardless how short or how long it might be.  I was so satisfied that I had been running my life what life was supposed to be. 

Then came the move.

With all the satisfied approach towards a better life, however, there was one drawback; I could not be together or even closer to my two children.  With us separated by the continent and with the six hours flight time separating us, we were lucky if we could manage to visit each once or maximum twice a year.  Since they could not move because of their jobs, the only solution was for me to move from east to west coast.  So the move became inevitable.

So the move was on. 

            The move was so drastic.  After two months, I still had problem to adjust myself to the new environment and the new life.  First, I moved away from a house I had lived in for over thirty years, and from a three story townhouse to a smaller apartment.  Instead of having a rent-free house, now I had to pay a substantially amount of rent.  Even though financially I could afford that, and since I struggled financially from beginning and through college years, I could not help to wonder if the substantially spending was justified.

            Then the drastic change of the environment started affecting my mood.  Before the move, all the friends and relatives we were in contact every day, including young and old, were in “healthy” looking.  After the move when I was in the retirement community, at least 80 percent of the residents were either in wheel chairs or walkers.  Watching the majority of them in such health condition, I could not help to make myself feel “older”.   Then it hit me that I was not younger than they were.  I could not help to think that if that was the ways they were, even though I behaved younger and still exercising, walking treadmill every day, I should be the same as them.  If not today, would that be tomorrow, next week or next month?  I could not help to suddenly feeling older, psychologically.

            The living area was “spacious” even though it was not as spacious as my old house.  Still it was spacious enough for two of us to “enjoy” my new life.  It was an improvement that they served dinners so it saved my time of cooking to do whatever I wanted, even though the food was not as good as I hoped for.  Other than that, there were some pros such as having the gym room, the computer rooms and other similar facilities and it should give me a more relaxing life.

            With all the pros and cons, I was told that I would be better off if I could make myself to “get used to it”.  I fully understand that it would make my life better, more enjoyable, and pleased those around me if I would get used to the new environment and the new life.  But I could not help to feel sad that in lieu of having ways to solve the problems and had to step down to try to make myself to get used to the situation.  Is this really my only option?  Would this really be my only option?

            With all the doubts and questions in my mind, the move was “logical” but it did not give me the feeling that I was in the right path for the rest of my life.  Should I accept that life was never perfect?  I accepted that I might win some and I might lose some and the only solution was to “get used to it” and make the best out of it.  Or should I refuse to accept that was my only option and find a better solution to put my life back on the right track for the rest of my life? 

            What other options would I still have?

            If I would move to another retirement facility, and with better shopping, I might gain financially.  The environment would not change.  And with a lower cost spending, the chances were that the quality of services would be worse.  That meant that I would have more complaints and enjoy even less.  Since financially I could afford the current spending, was it wise to move even more downhill?

            If I dropped the idea of moving to another retirement house and renting or purchasing an independent apartment, it would improve the spending substantially.  Then I was back to the square one, it defected the initial purposes if my health would be deteriorating.  Did it worth the effort since financially I was now still affordable?

            Life was not reversible.  The house was sold and I could not get it back.  The move was made and I could not move back.  Furniture had been given away and I could not get them back.  Being together with the children since couple months here made my life brighter and I would not want to give it up at any costs.  The move was done with such effort that I knew I would never have the energy to do it another time.

           Then what was left?  As what I mentioned earlier, I was again back to the square one.  Regardless how much I did not want to admit it, this in fact was my only option left.  That also meant that my only option was to get used to it.

            Is it really that bad to accept what I was?  The last two months since I was here had gone by.  Though they were not sweet dreams but at least they were better than nightmares.  Besides I could feel my mood had been improving from two months ago.  I was probably in the right track to accept my new life easier.  At least with the mood change since   two months ago, it had been a good sign.

            I should follow my slogan:

            Don’t think back about yesterday, don’t think about tomorrow.  Just think about today, now, this minute.

My Last Stop

 

My Last Stop

[How did I get here?]

[How do I get used to it?]

[How will it make me to accept/enjoy it?]

 

[Have I made the worst decision of my life?]

Or

[Is this the best decision I have ever made?]

 

            They are not exciting words and they are not even desirable words; however, they are the reality that I have to learn to accept, regardless how reluctantly it may make me.

For the last eighty plus years, I felt fulfilled that I had been having an enjoyable life.  Though there were always ups and downs, however, no matter how down it was, I yet managed to get over them, whether it was during the high school years, the college years, the time in-between, the working years and even the retirement years after that.  Life had been reasonably occupied with enjoyable hobbies to maintain it meaningful.

            Not until a few years earlier when I wrote the article “Death Upon Me”.  It was true that I had never thought about death until that time.  Was I depressed?  No!  I did not feel depressed even at the time when I was writing that article.  However what I wrote was exactly how I envisioned.  How could I explain what was in my mind?  I could not.  Probably the only explanation was that I finally accepted the cruel reality that everything had a beginning also had an end; always had a starting moment and an unavoidable final moment.

During our life time, we all have gone through similar stages.  After finished schooling, we landed our first job.  Starting with income to have a stable life then we save enough money to purchase our first car, our first house and other first of everything to make life more pleasurable.  As life goes on we improve our life by trading in our first of everything for the second, and the third, as a way on to a better life.  When we finally reach our retirement, we have a rent free house to shelter and cars without any more payments.  Then the social security kicks in to feed the family, and other saving to spend to entertain ourselves.

Just over a year ago, I purchased a new Honda.  Even for the two of us, we could get by with one car.  However, owning two cars gave us the independency.  Besides, after we lost the second due to an accident, and the remaining car was 20 years old, so it made sense to purchase a new car.

It was exciting to own a new “toy” as the other car was the 20 years model.  The improvement during the last 20 years was unbelievable.  We used to complain how difficult to turn our heads to look back while backing the car out of the garage, now we had the tiny screen inside the car to take care that problem.  The car even slowed down itself when it was too close to the car in front.  But the excitement suddenly died down when we realized that this one was our new “toy” and it also was the very last car we were going to own.  As far as owning a car is concerned, we suddenly understand that we had come to the “last stop”.

            The “last stop”!  The “stop”!  In my life, in my career, I had never thought about “stop”.  I only recognized the beginning and how to maintain the momentum to move to the next level.  Maybe I had been too ambitious and too energetic, I only thought how to plan the next step, how to make it better and had only thought about that the next level of anything.  When the words “last stop” hit my mind, I had trouble accepting it.

            How did it start?  What made me think about the “last stop”?  Was it for real or was it just my illusion?  Was I reasonable or had I asked for too much?  Was it just me that I could not accept the reality?

            I finally moved from Maryland to Seattle since two and a half months ago.  After spending a month in the air b&b and then moved into the retirement community.  The idea/wish of moving west started ten years ago.  Regardless how active I was, I could not help to feel older.  Especially when hearing the bad news from time to time that some of my high school classmates passed away.  We were almost the same age.  It made sense for me to move closer to my children.  But moving was such a time-consuming job, and since the health was holding up even though the thought of being together with the children was so appealing, I kept delaying to put it in action.  Ten years had gone by so fast, not until my daughter came to visit me recently and obviously they worried not just my health was deteriorating; they worried about how and if they could take care of me if something most drastic might occur. 

            Because of aging, it was “natural” that my health would get worse.  If I would be in a retirement community, they would take care of my “needs” should something undesirable happen.  In a way, it shifted the “worry” from their shoulders onto their medical team.  Even though I did not believe anything would happen soon, but that did not deny their worry when the bad news of friends and classmates of the similar age kept coming in.  Even though I did not believe it would happen to me because I was feeling so “healthy”, still it was selfish to conclude that they worried too much.

            After serious discussion among us, I gave in.  I never did disagree yet and I also did say “excellent idea!  Let’s do it.”  In a way, it made sense.  I was 86 years old and had three heart procedures.  Even though the procedures were almost thirty years ago and I had passed ALL the nuclear stress tests to indicate there had been no more heart problems.  But we all knew that as soon as some had the heart problems, it stayed with them for life and there were so such things as completely cured.  So it was highly possible that someday, anytime, the heart problems came back to haunt me.  If it would happen, it put the pressures not on me, but on all around me.  But if I were in the retirement community, the pressure would shift to the medical staff.  So it made sense to make a change even I felt how remote the chances would be.

            So the pros and cons kept fluctuating in my mind and I had been having trouble making a definite decision.  But I never thought that logically without denying it could have interpreted as accepting it.  Suddenly, the packing boxes were ordered and delivered.  And before I knew it, our packing had started and even I was packing also.  I felt a little fuzzy what had been going on even though I was still in the state without truly knowing if this was what I really wanted.

            While working on my own packing, I was still feeling that I was Just like sitting at the sideline and watching a fast moving movie.  The mover had been arranged.  The house was suddenly sold.  The “excess” furniture were donated or given to the new house owner.  Looking around, I knew that I had no choice but following the flow since it had gone too far down the stream that I had no way to return regardless how much I wanted to do it.

            Was I making the right move?  I would not know.  It had reached to the point that I could not stop it.  Could I at least slow it down?  I doubted it.  It was a bad feeling when I understood that my options were gone.  There was nothing I could do other than accepting it especially when my mind was not clear enough to judge the merit.

            It was just like in the television series that I was in a new episode.  Now I had been in the retirement community almost two months.  Was it a good move or was it a bad decision?  To tell the truth I still don’t know.  When friends dropped by to give me the warm welcome to the new area, and when I opened the door, I automatically said “welcome to my new home; welcome to my new life!”  Simply speaking this was exactly how I felt.  Not just the apartment was a new area different from my old home where I had lived for the last thirty five years I felt that I was in a new life starting from the first day I arrived here.  Was it better?  Was it worse?  Was it just different that I would melt into?

            The area was spacious.  The view looking outside the window was pleasant with tree and flowers.  I had moved the furniture to give me comfortable arrangement to work on my computer, or to do my other hobbies such as painting, stamp collecting or just sitting in the easy chair to read relaxingly.  The retirement community furnished almost all the necessities such as housekeeping, dinner cooked, coffee and snacks, cable television, etc.  Almost whatever you named it, they had included that in the whole package.  Sounded like heaven!  It sounded like it fit perfectly for a retiree.  I could just sit back, do nothing or anything and enjoy life.

            Somehow after the time being here, I just had not got used to this new life.  The accommodation was more than sufficient; it was the environment that depressed me.  In the community, at least 80 percent or more were in wheel chairs or walkers.  When I walked around the facility, it gave me a very uncomfortable feeling.  Thinking when I was back home in Maryland, we had friends getting together.  All of them were healthy “looking”.  The image of wheel chair or even a crane never got into my mind.  But now whenever I walked around, it was difficult to find some walking freely on their own.  When I looked at them; they were the same age as I was.  Suddenly it gave me the feeling that I would be or should be as one of them soon, very soon.  That was a very, very sad feeling.  As my friends tried to talk me out of these unpleasant feeling, they said I should feel good since even though I was the same age as they were I was still “healthy” enough to be different from them.  It was a very good logical argument.  But on the other hand, was I kidding myself? We were all deteriorating due to aging.  I was good today, what about tomorrow or the day after?  Suddenly I felt down again.

Had I done the right move?  I could not argue that as we got older, placing ourselves in the retirement community should be the logical move.  This is not just putting myself in the living quarter that in the event if something drastic happens that I need medical help, it also gives comfort feeling for all the closest relatives around me.  I should not be that selfish to just thinking what the best in my mind was, I should consider all others around me.

So I did make the right move, even though this could possibly be my last move or that I have reached my “last stop” of my life.  Was it really bad to think that I had run out of options that there would not be possibly any more moves for me?  Is this really my “last stop”?

There are sufficient reasons to make me feel good that I have make the right decision but I cannot help to wonder, is it so bad that I have reached my last stop?!

God will know.

            As the good old Chinese saying:

            乎有有必有無

有聚必有散

乃理之常

 

It translates as:

When you own something, anything

There are always chances that you may not have it in the future

When you have chances to get together

Eventually you will have to say good bye

That is the logic of life

 

It says it all.

The Meaningless and the Meaningful

 

The Meaningless and the Meaningful

[May 12, 2022]

 

When I grow older and especially after my retirement, there have been too much free time to kill.  All the hobbies I love are definitely enough to fill in the gap.  However, there are always chances that I do not feel like doing the same things over and over again no matter how much I enjoy doing it.

So from time to time, I have dreamed up something new as a refresher.  Some are credible and others are ridiculous.  Whatever they are, even though other think they are meaningless, quite frequently they are meaningful in my standard.

This one belongs to one of those, no doubt. 

I have a file of school documents I have been carrying to Hong Kong numerous times for whatever reasons.  They are my high school diploma, letter of resignation from my last employment in Hong Kong, my grade points during my last semester, the entrance examination results to the University of Hong Kong and the University of London and the award certificates, etc.  They were needed when I applied for my Chinese passport, the Hong Kong identification card, visa to go to China, etc.  The documents not only showed my identity, also the time durations when I was in Hong Kong or U.S. or other countries. 

This time, when I decided to move from Maryland to Seattle to be closer to my children, I did a rather thorough cleaning of all my belonging.  Not only getting rid the useless paper, also made room for my new nest as I was going to move to a smaller apartment.  When I went through these files, suddenly I realized that the file only contained my high school documents, but not my college diploma.

What had happened to my college diploma?  Had I ever seen my diploma?  I was not sure.  The question kept flopping in my mind.  The more I tried to think about it, the more I was uncertain.  I could not even picture how the diploma looked like.  Suddenly an idea appeared in my mind - “my daughter was also a Berkeley graduate!”  The might be one way to settle my mind by checking her diploma if it might bring back my memory.

“I had never seen a copy like it.  It looked so strange to me.”  I convinced myself.  Now I was 99.44% sure that during the years I had been carrying my document file, there was not a document looked as her graduation diploma.

I am 86 (or 89 depending on which stories I believe) years old now.  I had retired 22 years ago after employed 38 years to three employers.  For sure I had fill out in the job applications that I was a 1964 Berkeley graduate.  They never asked me to show them the diploma as the proof.  As normal they would called up UC Berkeley to validate my claim.  If they never called me to say I was a liar, the fact had been validated.  If I do not have it now, I must have lost it or never have possession of it for whatever reasons.  The most logical answer is that, after I finished the graduate celebration ceremony and after I threw my cap into the air, I had never thought that I was supposed to go to the office to pick up the diploma.

Now I gave myself the answer, then what?  I will never need it for my career since my career has ended.  That piece of paper is useless other than framing and hanging onto the wall.  But I have over half a dozen Professional Engineering Licenses issued by different States which are more important for my Engineering career than the diploma.  I only hanged them in my office to impress my clients and vendors.  After retirement, I have no reasons to hang them in my office at home.  Then why do I care if I have the possession of my college diploma?

On the other hand, that is the piece of paper I fought so hard for.  Not only struggling so hard while having the tiny amount of money to start the journey, also struggled so hard to survive.  Not only to pay for the room and board also facing the Immigration Department, the Foreign Student Office, the job hunting while I was not allowed to work, the ways to maintain the spirit to live and study, the juggling of work and study schedules, the language handicap and so many other factors to pull it off until I graduated.  Even it is just a piece of paper, it is the paper I fought hard for; it is a piece of paper to prove that I can achieve what I want; It is the proof of success or failure.

Suddenly the piece of paper increases the value in my mind and it becomes the piece of paper I will find way to obtain.  But how?  It has been 58 years since I graduated.  Can they still be able to find a piece of document 58 years old?  Even the document still exists; will they be willing to spend time to satisfy an old man just because he is so sentimental?  Will they bother?

Like what they say, you don’t know until you try.  Never say never until you exhaust all the possibilities and opportunities.  With the research, I found the possible right person (Vice Chancellor Katherine Yelick) to contact and my letter was written and sent.

Will others laugh at me to do something so meaningless?  Do I care if I feel it may be so meaningful?

Here is the letter.  Hopefully it will open a new project to keep me busier.

 

May 8, 2022

Office of Vice Chancellor Katherine Yelick,

119 California Hall,

Berkeley, CA 94720-1500

 

Dear Vice Chancellor Yelick,

This may sound like a fairy tale.  Please bear with me.  You will do me a great favor by finishing reading this letter.

I am a Year 1964 graduate in Cal, Berkeley, B.Sc. with major in Civil Engineering.  It had been a dream came true that I had reached my goal through an almost impossible journey.

This is to briefly recap my situations from the beginning.  After my high school graduation following by a clerk-typist job working in the Labor Department in Hong Kong, I had decided that in order to have a better future, I had to be further educated.  Because of my family financial situation, my parents had negated my request to go to college outside of Hong Kong.  But that did not make me change my mind.  I had decided that I would proceed going to a college without burdening their financial situation.

Since I had done well in Chinese high school, I was accepted by San Francisco State College, the University of San Francisco, and the University of California, Berkeley.  After selected Cal. Berkeley as my preference, I had begun my detailed plan to fulfill my wish.

After working two and half jobs to save $1,000 U.S. dollars, I said goodbye to my parents and began my adventurous journey.  With $330 to purchase the cheapest ticket from President Cleveland Lines, $70 to buy the absolute necessities, I had the remaining $600 in my pocket when I left Hong Kong.

Even though I did not speak the English language well, did not know a single person in the U.S., I sailed and landed in the place I was not familiar with, San Francisco.  With knowing that as soon as the school would start, I would have to pay $400 for the tuition.  The remaining $200 would be my started fortune to pay for room and board, books and stationary, transportation, clothing, entertainment and even dating girls.  Difficult, yes, impossible, no!

That was how I started.  After four years of struggle, I managed to get what I came for, my college degree.  At the day of graduation, I was so excited.  Even I had confidence when I started I still could not believe that I managed to pull it through.  After the graduation ceremony, and after I threw my graduation cap to the air, I was so thrilled yet exhausted.  My mind was happy but blank with the great satisfaction that I had reached my impossible goal.  I WAS SO EXCITED THAT I DID NOT EVEN REMEMBER THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE OFFICE TO PICK UP MY DIPLOMA.

I am 89 years old now and live in a retirement community. I had retired over twenty years ago.   I had gone through my life with a successful career in Civil Engineering and Computer Science, but I had never thought of that I did not ever have the possession of my own diploma, the paper I had fought so hard for.  While cleaning up my documents during the latest move recently to be closer to my children, I suddenly realized that I had never seen my own diploma.  Since my daughter was also a Cal, Berkeley graduate, I asked her to show me her diploma.  After checking it as it looked so strange to me, I was so sure and concluded that I had never seen my Berkeley graduation document.

Why I am doing this?  Is it so important to me now?  Is it so important for an 89 years person, an over twenty year retiree to have the diploma that it will be useless for the remaining of my career?  I don’t know.  Maybe I am too sentimental.  Maybe I am still looking for the satisfaction of the several years of struggling doing my impossible task.

On the other hand, is it possible for you to find my diploma after 58 years since I graduated?  Still, this is my wish.  I will accept that it is an impossible task.  Would that be a miracle that my senseless wish comes true?  I will be more than just satisfied to have the diploma or even a Xerox copy only to fulfill my mind.

First I would give my sincere thanks that you have read the entire letter.  I will be delighted for any answer you may give me.

Happy Mother’s Day and God bless all of us.

 

Andrew Yeesing Fok

afok@msn.com

22975 SE Black Nugget Road, Apt 313,

Issaquah, WA 98029

Cell phone: (206)-992-3838

 

End of first enquiry.

Less than a week later, I received the reply from the Executive Assistant on behalf of the Vice Chancellor. 

 

diploma from UC BerkeleyJM

Joel Moldenhauer joelmold@berke

To Fok@msn.com

Fri 5/13/2022 12:48 PM

 

Dr. Mr. Fok,

Vice Chancellor Kathy Yelick received your letter dated May 8 and asked me to respond on her behalf. I hope this email finds you well. I was fascinated with your story, and I hope we're able to help you obtain a copy of your diploma. 

I contacted our University Registrar office, which is ultimately responsible for this, and the next step is for you to complete the form linked here: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfXoxh3eTzRX6XblJuBfhouCG3Iw_lp8DRvjwVu_WATGXEKrg/viewform

They will use the information you provide to verify records. Once that is done it sounds like you will be asked to pay a fee of $60, then you will be sent a copy. 

From what I understand this process can take up to two months. If this is too long, or if you have any questions, please contact diplomas@berkeley.edu.

If you have any other questions or if there is anything else I can help with please don't hesitate to contact me.

Best wishes,

Joel

Joel Moldenhauer

Senior Executive Assistant

Vice Chancellor for Research Office

University of California, Berkeley

Cell: 510-295-5562

 

What they requested from the reply was expected but not what I hoped for.  When I requested the diploma, it was not really that I was so anxious about having the document.  Why do I ask for it?  What am I using that for?  For sure even if I have the original, will I frame it and hang it on the wall?  No!  I do not even hang the Professional Engineering Licenses which are even more valuable for my job than the college diploma.  Then why would I hang the Berkeley diploma even if I have it?

Believe or not, I ran through this exercise just to satisfy my own mind for something I believe I am entitled to and nothing else.  It impressed me that they did not do that just for formality; they guided me how to obtain my copy, except they charged a fee for it.  I thought that too before I sent out the letter, but I was hoping that I might get a pleasant surprise.  In a way, it is logical that all services are expected to be compensated.  Still, in a way, I am entitled to have my document free of charge except I am 58 years too late.  For sure that I don’t plan to spend money just for a moment of satisfaction.

Now since I opened the can of worms, I had to find some ways to withdraw gracefully.  I cannot drop it just like dropping a hot potato; I do owe him/her a logical reason before I can call it quits.

So that is my reply.

 

May 14, 2022

Dear Joel,

Thanks for your speedy reply of my letter to Vice Chancellor Kathy Yelick, even though the answer is not what I hoped for.  It is really a little silly on my part that I would pursue a long lost diploma after 58 years.  At my twilight age, why would/should I ask for a piece of paper which is useless to my career?  I guess for sentimental reasons I just want to have the satisfaction to touch what I had fought for so long ago.

I was hoping that I might have a FREE copy of the diploma, even though it might be just a Xerox copy to fulfill my dream.  Since I am living on social security, it would be unwise to spend $60 for just a moment of satisfaction.  Come to think of it, even if I have the diploma, I doubt that I might frame it and hang up on the wall.  I might just file it with the rest of the education documents such as my high school diploma and other award documents.

I guess I should have thought of it.  I should not expect others to spend time to find a 58-years old paper without paying for their services.  Accepting this, I believe that I would drop the whole idea and just hold on to my dream that I did graduate in Berkeley 58 years ago.  I will almost be as content as holding the original diploma in my hand.  Please accept my apology for the oversight.

Thanks for you spending time to take care my silly letter, and please thank Vice Chancellor Yelick for her time to read my letter. 

Please consider this subject closed and give my regards to all of you.

Yours truly,

Andrew Yeesing Fok

afok@msn.com

 

How embarrassing!  A day after I sent the eMail to Joel and asked him to close the subject since I had no plan to spend any amount of money to buy a brief moment of satisfaction, I, like what I said “how embarrassing”, I found the original of the diploma in my possession all the time!

Not trying to look for excuses, in my mind, I have never ever remembered I have seen my diploma.  Especially I have been carrying the high school documents to Hong Kong to apply the Hong Kong and China documents there was no reason not to include the college diploma.  Not only that it might be useful, also I had chances to show off my college document especially it was from one of the top 10 Universities in the United States.

This time because I was looking for other paper, I happened to run into the file containing my Professional Engineering licenses.  Again in my memory [it must be not as good as I think], I don’t believe I hanged my college diploma in my office at work, I only hanged all the P.E. licenses as a way to show I was valuable and experienced for my job.  Since I found the diploma in the same file containing the P.E. licenses I must have hung the diploma as well.  Even I still refuse to admit my memory is failing it must be not as well as what I would admit.  How depressing!  How sad!

As soon as I saw the diploma, I was shocked and immediately put it back to the file.  I could have ignored the whole thing without telling anyone one, including Joel and the Vice Chancellor and others since I have told them to close the whole issue.  So I could bury the whole event without admitting that I screwed up.  But it takes a great man to admit his error, as what they all say, I cannot push myself to bury my mistake.  I had to tell them the whole story even though it was embarrassing.

So I wrote the eMail almost immediately.

 

On Tue, May 17, 2022 at 6:19 PM Andrew Fok <AFOK@msn.com> wrote:

Dear Joel,

This is the most embarrassing eMail I have written for as long as I remember.  I wrote you the reply yesterday to ask you to drop the subject of pursuing my diploma.  Surprisingly, it showed up when I least expected. 

I just currently moved into a retirement community.  Last week, I finally managed to unpack all the boxes.  I have over half a dozen of the Professional Engineering licenses from different States.  When I unpack the P.E. licenses, I found my Berkeley diploma mixed with them.  

Please accept my sincere apology for my oversight and have wasted yours and Vice Chancellor Yelick’s time on my behalf.  I really thank you two that you cared for helping me to locate the document. 

It is a happy ending for me.  Thanks again and hope you two have a nice summer. 

 

Andrew 

afok@msn.com

 

Within hours, I received the reply from Joel.  I was delighted to find out that they were friendly and cared.

---

Re: diploma from UC Berkeley

<joelmold@berkeley.edu>

To:

·        You

Tue 5/17/2022 9:41 PM

Dear Mr. Fok,

This is the most wonderful outcome! It makes me extremely happy that you found your original diploma. When I checked, the Registrar’s office did not have your original any longer (I don’t know how long they keep them), so they would have been producing a copy which was the reason for the fee. I was checking if they could produce one without the fee. Happily, that is no longer necessary. If you ever need anything else from Berkeley please don’t hesitate to contact me. 

Best wishes for your retirement!

Joel

            End of the entire drama, from a convincing letter to nothing but a happy ending.  I was very pleased how cooperating and friendly they were.  It made me proud to be one of them.

[May 18, 2022]